Allowing Others to Take Your Power Away

“You should never lose your temper in an argument. If you’re right, you don’t need to. If you’re wrong, you can’t afford to.” ~Alexander Green

I was stunned when I read that. Not because it was a revelation, as it was something I already knew, at least at a gut level. I was stunned because it was so succinct and well put. I admit that I’m not the greatest person in the world in this regard. I have lost my temper during an argument. It was a horrid feeling, and I lost it because I knew that I was right and the other person, no matter how much reason, empathy, or even appeal to ethics was used by me, wouldn’t budge. But when I lost my temper, it seemed to get the attention. I didn’t hurt anyone, but it was very obvious that I had gone beyond my normal range of emotions. And that is what worked.

Why is it that with an unreasonable person, someone who honestly knows the position s/he is defending is wrong, that nothing will convince them except fear? I believe that’s what did it in my situation. I don’t know if it was fear of me or for me (probably the latter). Or maybe it was just satisfaction at having seen me lose control. Sometimes people like that. I’m having a hard time grasping the idea that it is sometimes a boost to see another person lose control or bring another person down in some manner.

I have seen people insult and cajole others simply to boost their own egos and make themselves feel better. Somehow they think this is funny. Why?

Are we as a species so base and so cruel that it actually makes us into better beings to hurt another member of our own? It often happens in families. And it’s really bad in early teenaged years. I think there are more bullies and idiots in the ages 13-15 than at any other time in our lives. Then we learn to control those impulses and hide them better – they still never truly go away. An evolved human, can, however, control them. And then they will diminish.

This behaviour in adults is especially reprehensible, because it is immature. Yet, it is surprisingly common. Sometimes it is subtle. But it is always meant to demean the other person. In truth, it demeans the one doing it, by demonstrating weakness. Yes, weakness! The person may feel like power is gained, and it may even appear so in a social manner, such as when it is a superior behaving this way to an inferior at work (boss/employee). But watch the “cool” kids picking on a not-so-cool kid. You’ll see the same thing, only more blatant.

The real weakness is in character. If someone has to demean another person or “push their buttons” in order to feel powerful and better, then that person doing the demeaning and pushing those buttons is the weaker of the two. It takes more strength of character, more self confidence, and a lot more maturity in order to not do this when the opportunity easily presents itself.

It is harder to see the opportunity as a way that you can learn about the other person, and perhaps, if they are open to it at the time, find a way that you can help that person to grow, to evolve as a human being.

When I look back at the instance of my losing my temper, I deeply regret it. Yes, the loss of control allowed me to vent out the frustration, and I felt better immediately after my big outburst. But it wasn’t worth it. If I had been the evolved person I am today, I would have simply left. I was right; I knew it. Leaving the argument would have shown that, and it would have ended the issue right there. I stuck around out of pride, fear, and frustration.

Never argue with someone who is looking for power. You will be drained, and you cannot win the argument, whether you are right or not. Never lose your temper. Leave the argument, gracefully if possible, quickly and forcefully if you need to; but refuse the argument in whatever manner you are able to.

As for my goals, I have realised that there are almost no instances in when losing one’s temper is helpful. The brain shuts off at that moment. I have made it a goal to never lose my temper again. And I expect this will be a fairly simple resolution to keep.

[The only situations that I can think of losing my temper being useful I can’t imagine really happening in my life, so they are moot.]

Striking a Balance in a Mutually Loving Relationship

It’s amazing at how selfish people can be in relationships and how communication breaks down in so many ways, especially regarding sex. A recent article in The Huffington Post by Therese Borchard illustrates this perfectly.

In the article, written as a personal story, Ms. Borchard revealed how she and her husband have relegated their sex life to a scheduled two nights per week. This was dictated by her, because it “is the minimal number of times a week that [he] need[s] sex in order to be satisfied". Shouldn’t sex be a spontaneous and wonderful experience between two people who are truly attracted to one another? And shouldn’t it also be an expression of love between a man and woman, at least in a marriage?

In this poor man’s life sex has become nothing more than a duty for the woman. She seems to lack sexual desire entirely. Or at least has a very low libido. What happened to desire? This isn’t something unique. However, something like this can (and often does) lead to further problems in a marriage. There’s a huge disparity in sexual desire and understanding of what sex is all about.

Ms. Borchard states in her article that her husband might wish that they have sex every night. But of course that is impossible, as she implies. How sad is that; that they cannot communicate in order to both be satisfied sexually?

She tries to explain the scheduled sex as one or a combination of three things: “…just the beginning of an