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Striking a Balance in a Mutually Loving Relationship It’s amazing at how selfish people can be in relationships and how communication breaks down in so many ways, especially regarding sex. A recent article in The Huffington Post by Therese Borchard illustrates this perfectly. In the article, written as a personal story, Ms. Borchard revealed how she and her husband have relegated their sex life to a scheduled two nights per week. This was dictated by her, because it “is the minimal number of times a week that [he] need[s] sex in order to be satisfied". Shouldn’t sex be a spontaneous and wonderful experience between two people who are truly attracted to one another? And shouldn’t it also be an expression of love between a man and woman, at least in a marriage? In this poor man’s life sex has become nothing more than a duty for the woman. She seems to lack sexual desire entirely. Or at least has a very low libido. What happened to desire? This isn’t something unique. However, something like this can (and often does) lead to further problems in a marriage. There’s a huge disparity in sexual desire and understanding of what sex is all about. Ms. Borchard states in her article that her husband might wish that they have sex every night. But of course that is impossible, as she implies. How sad is that; that they cannot communicate in order to both be satisfied sexually? She tries to explain the scheduled sex as one or a combination of three things: “…just the beginning of an
attempt to figure out this male species I live with. Maybe it's a twice weekly opportunity to express my commitment, love, and devotion in a language that he speaks…. Or maybe it's simply a way to do away with all the begging.” It’s laudable that it could be a way to express her love to her husband. But it certainly sounds like it isn’t. Why should a man be degraded to the point in his sex life that he has to resort to begging for sex with his wife? An evolved couple will learn to talk. They will openly express themselves to one another. And they will not hold the other in contempt or ridicule for these feelings or the expression of them. And if one of them is simply unable or unwilling to, then perhaps they shouldn’t be together. Imagine trying to express yourself and seduce your spouse in a nice, loving manner that shows that you are not only attracted to that person, but honestly love her. And she refuses you. Sometimes in not so very nice a manner. Other times by simply ignoring you. And this goes on for days, and in some cases, weeks on end. (One person in Ms. Borcahrd’s article complained about only having sex with his spouse once a month.) Is that healthy? Is it what evolved people do, to make those they love most feel rejected and unworthy? It is no surprise that men (or women) in these situations often seek validation outside of the marriage. And often behind their spouses’ backs. While that is certainly not the best solution, it is human nature to want to feel valued and loved. One person commented on the article that he had found a married woman who was in the same situation with her husband, and the two of them solved their mutual and respective problem by having a purely sexual affair with one another for several months. He doesn’t mention any ill effects and seemed quite pleased by the solution. Is an illicit affair the right thing to do? Honesty is the best policy, always. But how honest is he being? Maybe it was okay with his wife. Who knows? Perhaps there’s a better solution. But it truly requires that both people in the marriage be highly evolved humans. And there has to be a high level of trust. I know one couple who found this solution for them, and both have admitted that it was very hard at first. Partially just talking about it! And it was the person with the lower libido that initiated it. So what was the solution? Well, human sexuality is known to be a spectrum. We range from the purely monogamous person to those who are completely polyamorous and cannot be monogamous no matter how much they try. There is no judgment on what is right or wrong; it’s simply how we are as humans. What’s right for one person is not always right for another. And when two people who truly love each other have very different libidos, it can lead to huge conflicts within the marriage. If they are both 100% monogamous in their sexuality, then the marriage is likely doomed in the long run if there is a huge disparity in sexual desire. That is unless one partner or the other is willing to lead a less that fulfilling sex life in the long term. Can they compromise, one coming up and one going down in their final desires? Perhaps. It takes incredible strength and deep understanding. And both people have to be highly evolved emotionally and intellectually. But what if they are not both purely monogamous? Yes, there is another solution. But it’s not really talked about in a society that is so highly influenced by monogamous religious values. There is nothing wrong with monogamy. But it isn’t the solution for everyone. There are couples who have perfectly healthy open relationships. Sometimes it is only one partner who will find a lover outside of the marriage. Sometimes the marriage will develop into a polyfidelity type of marriage – where there is more than one wife (or husband), basically three people in the marriage. Yes, polygamy or plural marriage (as it’s sometimes called) is illegal in most Christian countries. But that only means that it isn’t sanctioned. Many people are still capable of living the lifestyle without formalizing it. Is it easy to do? No. Is it the right thing to do for everyone? No. Is it right for your situation? Only you and your partner can decide that. As with an open marriage (no commitment to the outside partner(s) involved). There are issues of jealousy. There are issues of sexual health. If someone is engaging in sex outside of a committed marriage, then there are also issues of how to deal with that in terms of those who question it (if they find out – not everyone has to know, of course). And there are the issues of STD’s, of course. It is certainly not fair to carry a disease back to a trusting spouse, even if s/he is aware of the other partner. Wouldn’t it be best to be able to express yourself fully with that special person you love? And as often as you enjoy it? Sex is an integral part of our human nature. And despite what others may say about marriage being more than just sex, it is a huge part of it. If it weren’t for sexual desire, we would simply continue as friends, business partners, and roommates. Is that realistic? Yes, marriage is about sex, not to exclusivity of other aspects of a loving relationship, but it’s an integral and necessary part of a healthy marriage. And if it doesn’t exist to the satisfaction of both people involved, then the marriage may not either.
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Relationships & Sexuality