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How Far Does Love Go? In our Western society we are quick to place limits on love. We are a monogamous group. We divorce easily. And we even “disown” members of our family, including children, who do not follow our expectations. We are, thus, limiting the love in our lives. But is this healthy? Is it the mature, evolved thing to do? It is often said that love is unconditional. But is it really? Parents often love their children immediately upon birth. There are no conditions. This is true, unconditional love. As the children grow into adults they develop their own belief systems, behaviour and demonstrate who they are through their actions. Often these are reflections of the parents, who are truly the biggest influences on most children. However, there are times when the child grows into someone that a parent may not like.  She becomes a drug addict. Or a criminal. Or she may abuse her spouse. Or she may have some mental illness that is difficult to deal with. Sometimes the parent still loves her. And sometimes not.
Do we have control over these feelings? Of course we do. Who and how we love is a reflection of our beliefs and values. Loving our children when they are first born is a choice. There are parents who do not love their children the second they are born. They learn the love or they don’t. The values we know and express also help guide our behaviours. If a father has chosen to love his children completely, then he will find it hard to abandon them and leave them is sole custody to their mother in the case of divorce. There may be other values and decisions (finances, security, or simply the court biases) that influence whether the children are with him fulltime, half-time, or only part-time (weekends, every other weekend, etc.). But he will still find it extremely difficult. Robert Enright, Ph.D. believes that many of our emotions are a choice. In his book Forgiveness is a Choice, Dr. Enright demonstrates how almost everything we feel is actually something we choose to feel. Of course choosing must be done wisely. If you choose to love someone, then your feelings will not vanish immediately after the relationship is over. That’s simply human nature.
There are others who wholeheartedly agree with the concept that Love is a Decision. Dr. Smalley & Dr John Trent are amongst those, and have written a whole book on this decision in marriage, and practical ways to apply this choice, making a marriage tougher than though times. If we decide who we love and truly find ways to express that and share that love, then our lives are enriched. This holds true whether it is with our children, our family, our lovers, or even our friends. Most people are conditioned in our society that love does have limits. We are taught that we can only love one other person as a spouse. We are taught that regardless of anything else, we need to put ourselves first and that if someone loves us, that person will understand and still be able to fully move with us, allowing us to be who we are, regardless of their needs. These are selfish views. The evolved human is able to move beyond a purely self-centred universe. Look at children, especially babies. They start as extremely self-centred, and move towards an empathetic mode of dealing with those around them. Depending on what they are taught, and their own personal predispositions, children learn to be more sharing, open, loving, and can teach adults a lot through this behaviour. They understand that concept of loving one another. And they learn so quickly! If a parent or other authority figure (even if it’s television – a knowledge authority) teaches a child that s/he has to watch out for others and beware, then that child will learn to be more wary and cautious. This is true in love, as well. Children learn to love a parent that demonstrates and shows them love. And if both parents do that, they the children will love both parents. It’s very simple. We can learn from that as adults. And we can love infinitely! There is more love for our children, our family, our friends, and those we choose to spend our lives with. There need not be a limit. The concept of limiting our love, and therefore our lives, that causes a lot of grief. And it increases our fears. If a woman feels that a man loves his children more than her, she can feel jealousy. Jealousy is caused by fear. And what insecurity is it that fears love? Is she afraid of losing him? Losing his attentions? A conflict between her interests and the children’s? These are all legitimate fears. But understanding and accepting that love has no limits can lessen, and even eliminate these fears and the jealousy associated with them. And this can apply in all areas of our lives. So learn to open your love and the decisions and values behind this. It will help you to evolve to a higher plane. And help you to become a better person. Perhaps, with the right depth of understanding and openness, love really is all you need. * * * For reviews of Dr. Enrights’ book, click here. On a personal note, Dr. Smalley’s books have a wonderful view on love and caring between a married couple, as well as parent-child relationships. They are Christian centred, but even as a non-Christian I find his work valuable and insightful. I find most of these useful to people of all faiths (or none), when read with the right frame of mind.
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Relationships & Sexuality