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Allowing Yourself to Trust Those You Love In any relationship there are issues of trust. Usually a child will trust his parents completely, sometimes to the point that it is truly dangerous, at least when very young. This trust, however, is eroded as the child grows older and little betrayals and events teach that child that his trust may be misplaced or at least too deep. And parents struggle and complain that by the time their children are teenagers the teenagers don’t trust them. It doesn’t have to be this way. Allowing trust into one’s life isn’t always an easy thing. We try again and again as we grow to allow friends and lovers into our inner circle of trust, deep into our hearts. And we are constantly disappointed. Our hearts get broken. And our trust gets eroded more and more, making it even harder the next time around. We are a species driven by fear. In this case it is fear of betrayal; fear of being hurt; the fear of abandonment; the fear of heartbreak. And fear prevents us from opening up. It prevents us from trusting. And sometimes from loving. And it truly does begin in our childhood. We get betrayed by other children who don’t care as we do. We are betrayed by the adults we respect – parents, teachers, aunts and uncles. And most often these betrayals aren’t even noticed. They are subconscious and simply a product of other behaviours and conflicts of interest. Usually they are unintentional. In order to be aware of these issues that we drag with us throughout our lives, we need to open our minds and our hearts to the past and to the present. Becoming aware of one’s inner motivations isn’t always easy, and is, in fact, one of the hardest things to do in order to grow fully. But it is necessary. People sometimes go to therapy for years in order to understand themselves and their inner motivations.
Parents can help children to lessen these burdens by striving to be aware of how they behave towards their children in all instances. Consistency and love are the most important things in a child’s growth and development. It is no different for adults. We all need that in our relationships. Honesty really is the best policy. There is no stronger way to build trust and to strengthen love. Children don’t understand what lies are when they are really young. This is something they learn from those around them and the examples they see. They are brutally, effectively honest. Many adults can’t handle this. Sometimes it is simply because something a child says is viewed as impolite, and other times it is simply because the truths that children speak will reveal things about us that we are ashamed of, afraid of, or uncomfortable about for some other reason. Imagine a world where there was no need to feel shame or fear. Wouldn’t that be truly astounding? This can first start with the small world that we share with our closest loves – our spouses, our children, our parents. It is granted that we are all different people with different desires and needs. Should we be judging those we love most because their wishes are slightly different than ours? It is tough, isn’t it, when someone you want to be with has a conflicting interest to yours? Try to have an open mind at all times. Identifying with the other is one way to understand the other’s point of view. Sometimes this can actually change your own point of view – even to that of a child’s. No one person’s opinions or needs should be considered greater than another’s. However, the need of the whole family should be greater than that of any individual within the family. And this is especially tough for the younger, less mature members of the family to understand. Most often this is the children who are less mature and sophisticated in their ideas. Sometimes it is a spouse. Therefore, it is the responsibility of the more mature, more evolved human to be empathetic, understanding and open, trusting the others with his or her feelings, opinions, and fears, being the one who opens up and explains these views in an open, caring, rational manner. It is sometimes surprising how much love and empathy one will receive in return. And how evolved even the youngest members of a family truly can be.
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Relationships & Sexuality