Dealing with Unrequited Love“Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart.”
~ Washington Irving
When we choose to love someone there is always a chance that the love will not be returned or that there will be other issues preventing the relationship from working out. These issues could be family, work, or simply conflicts in other world views. But love does not diminish immediately. And losing that other person hurts. That’s always the risk that is taken in love.
Dr. Kubler-Ross identified the fives stages of grief, which do not necessarily occur separately and often occur together, and not always in the same order. These are:
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
These stages are often accompanied by feelings of shock, numbness, and guilt. Eventually, however, most people learn to let go and forgive for the hurt that is caused by lost love. A highly evolved human will often feel that there is nothing to forgive. After all, the pain of this kind of loss is rarely intentional. It is only natural that love, once given, does not always work out in a relationship. This is part of why there is divorce and has been for millennia (yes, it’s even in the Hebrew bible).
Every time that we choose to love someone, we open ourselves up to a wonderful feeling. There truly is nothing more special and more amazing than loving another human being! The feeling of love is written about from many perspectives, and is the topic of more poems and songs than any other single theme. Even Hollywood, with its vacuous plots and shallow character development, has love as central in more films than any other topic. It truly is the greatest part of being human.
We seek love from the time we are born. As we grow, the quest and desire for this love changes and evolves as we do. It matures as we do. Humans, the only species that is capable of changing and evolving throughout a single lifetime in a single being, is also the only one that seeks love so ardently. And as such the only species that opens itself up to such emotional joy and pain. We are the only species that is capable of such intense feeling and intense emotional pain.
Our desire for love evolves from wanting the approval of our parents and peers to wanting a more mature love of another, who is also a sexual partner. This, even according to the bible, is the highest and most beautiful kind of earthly love. We seek and we risk. Yet, not everyone is always prepared for the risk.
As we emotionally mature and evolve, we must also prepare ourselves for the turmoil of loss. Mature love does not accuse. Mature love is understanding and always open, even when it is not reciprocated. And mature love is capable of feeling joy for the other person, even if that person chooses not to reciprocate in love. And that is sometimes the hardest part of being an evolved human. And it can also be a great joy!
When you love someone, take pleasure in her successes and joy. True love is able to enjoy friendship, honest criticism that is not meant to be hurtful, and it is able to triumph in the happiness of another. And the evolved human can still feel these joys, even after the loss of a sexual and loving relationship. For true love does not diminish immediately. Love is also capable of evolving. And it always wishes the best for the other.
So, rather than experiencing great pain – and there will be some – and letting it get you down when love is not returned or a relationship fails, try to feel the love you have for what it is. And be happy for the other person, wishing him or her all the joy that love can bring. And learn that your love is worthy, as are you, of having that joy. And remember this wisdom, “'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” (Alfred Lord Tennyson), for it is so true.
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Relationships & Sexuality