I read the below post on someone else's site (and it is used with permission). While it is primarily aimed at polyamorous relationships, the rules really should be read to mean for ANY serious, loving adult relationship, including monogamous marriages - especially rules 1 to 4! Honestly, there is an incredible amount of great things on relationships on that site that I could read it for hours, sexuality aside - it's the relationship aspects that really matter, and they are applicable to anyone, regardless of sexual preferences. It just takes intelligence to see that. And my readers are intelligent (of course).

If you're curious about what polyamory is, or already know and want some decent literature on it, Amazon has some good books on the subjects of open marriage and polyamory.

10 Realistic Rules for Good Non-Monogamous Relationships
by Andrea Zanin
(Please note I said good poly. Anyone can do poly badly, but I don’t advise it.)

1. Know yourself. For starters, be brutally honest with yourself and answer the following questions. I’m not kidding about the brutal part. Sugarcoating will not help you here. Also, remember that the answers to these are never final… you change every day and with every experience you have, so it’s worth revisiting these questions over and over throughout your lifetime.

• What kind of person are you?
• What are your core values?
• What are your life priorities?
• What are your needs within relationships?
• What are your shortcomings within your relationships?
• Why have your past relationships ended? Are you able to articulate what part you played in that?
• How do you deal with conflict and anger?
• How are your communication skills?
• What kind of people are you generally attracted to? Are there any predictable patterns in your attractions? Are they positive or problematic?
• What do you have to offer a partner? What sort of partner, lover, friend are you?
• What does your life look like? Your schedule, your energy levels, your health, your obligations, your stresses, your joys? What would you like to change?

2. Love yourself. Okay, so this sounds like the greatest cliché known to man, but it’s actually the basic ingredient for good non-monogamy. It’s the macaroni in the mac & cheese. You gotta take care of yourself. If you don’t have this one down, you will simply never be able to fully enjoy healthy love relationships with others. Lots of people try to ignore the basic and all-pervasive importance of self-love, and that’s why many people have messy love relationships. You wanna try that with multiple love relationships? Believe me, you will sink fast.

If the answers from the questions you just asked yourself show some areas that may pose challenges, love yourself enough to take up those challenges before you start exploring elsewhere. Go get therapy, take up a meditation practice, start writing in a journal, get more exercise to boost your mood and self-confidence, or attend to your spiritual life. Not taking care of yourself is not an option.

In any healthy relationship people give to one another in many ways. Sometimes it’s the great gift of time. Other times it’s simply a smile and a hand to hold. And each is getting a gift at the same time. Too often people who have more evolving to do try to keep track of the level of giving in a relationship, and this is destructive.

When someone keeps score in any kind of relationship – friendship, lovers, parent-child, whatever – then that relationship becomes like a business. One has to give to the other before there is any return. And the giving becomes a sales transaction, rather than something to benefit both parties and the relationship overall. This erodes trust. It destroys love.

It’s easy to tell when someone has this mental attitude if there is ever an argument and that person states something like, “Well, I did so much for you at (whatever place, time, etc.).” This is the unhealthy person. That person still needs to evolve as a human being. It could be you. It could be someone you know. That evolution can happen. All it takes is self awareness and a little bit of understanding.

As human beings, when we give freely to someone, out of love and respect, then we are also giving to ourselves. We give the gift of pleasure to ourselves and the gift of self esteem every time we give something to another person. This could be as simple as a smile. Or it could be as complex as sex. Now, of course we don’t want to give sex to just anyone, as that is far too important a gift to give to everyone we meet. It should be special. And in this instance, it should be mutual giving.